Searching for answers

I know my recent posts have been heavily centered on politics and religious arguments here and there, but with the significance of this year's election and controversial issues on the ballot, these past couple months have really influenced me in how I view the world and why - pretty much because I forced myself to really sit down and critically think about these issues. It's just been on my mind lately, and while all this introspection is very liberating for my mind, it is also very frustrating.

I guess you could say I'm in some sort of religious/spiritual limbo. More so religious I should say, because what I'm not confused about is my belief in God or my stance on "hot topics" between church and society - abortion, homosexuality, abstinence-only education, etc. - it's crystal clear. What I am confused about is what does this mean for me as someone who was raised Catholic. I just feel that I am not able to commit 100% to being what a Catholic "should be" simply because of what I believe. Even if I were to commit 500% and devoted everything to my faith, I feel like no matter what I absolutely cannot be considered Catholic simply because I believe women should have a choice when it comes to abortion. Or that same-sex marriages are not immoral. Or that sex education is very critical and would help to reduce numbers of abortions and teenage pregnancies to begin with.

Some of it has to do with how the leaders of the church have spoken out against prominent Catholics in politics for their stance on abortion. After VP-to-be Joe Biden received communion in Florida recently, one of the bishops from that area suggested that Biden not present himself for the sacrament anymore, simply due to his pro-choice stance. Biden is not the only Catholic politician in the public eye that has been asked to stop receiving communion. I wouldn't have such a hard time balancing my views if the church authority didn't publicly condemn this middle ground where I stand right now.

There's really no arguing with the Catholic church because of the importance of papal infallibility. This basically means that the pope, working through the Holy Spirit, is free of error when he declares something as right or wrong. This is essentially what makes the Catholic church different from others; it does not stress religious interpretation by the individual but by the church universally. Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Catholic, but if you disagree with one of the core messages that the church preaches today, can you really still identify yourself as a Catholic?

I'm not so sure.

I'm not at all trying to put down Catholicism because if that's what works for you, then all the power to you. It's difficult to really devote yourself to a particular faith and if you can do it and it makes you happy, I find that pretty admirable. As for me right now, I don't want to characterize myself as a "cafeteria Catholic", picking and choosing what I like about the teachings. What's the point if you don't give your all? For anything? As of now I feel like a huge hypocrite when I proclaim myself as a Catholic then get into an argument on how we need to fight for reproductive rights or marriage equality.

I know there is a balance somewhere. I know that thinking logically and thinking in terms of religion are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary. I just don't know if that entails fully committing to a Catholic faith for me right now. I don't want to distance myself from something I've known my whole life but I feel like there is no compromise...