F U Spike TV

"The Top 7 Butterbodies" - Nick Coles
The true definition of a butterbody is a woman who has a beautiful face but a body that’s gone to butter. It’s like the butterface, but in reverse. If you are rich and famous, there is no excuse for being a butterbody. It’s your job to look fit and hot. Celebrities are not like normal people. They have the means to pay for a full time trainer and for someone to prepare their meals.

7. Sara Ramirez"...when plus-sized women gain fame, they slim down and lose the pounds. Not Sara. She has remained true to her pudgy self..."

6. Drew Barrymore

"...She says she basically lives on carbs and eats whatever she wants...every hot woman in Hollywood will adopt a similar mentality and the world will be void of super thin, super hot women..."

5. Salma Hayek (are you kidding me)

"...This lady is fat. It’s like she’s carrying a spare car tire around her mid-section.."

4. America Ferrera

"...It’s crazy that she has become a poster child for “curvy” women. She basically gives women an excuse to be fat..."

3. Mandy Moore

"...Recently she re-emerged looking chunky, pudgy and out of shape. It’s like she spent the last few years on a couch watching television and eating tubs of Neapolitan ice cream..."

2. Liv Tyler"...The angelic film star used to be one of the world’s most beautiful women. Now she looks like a dowdy housewife who indulges in too many home-baked cookies..."

1. Tyra Banks

"...If Tyra Banks really wants to be the next Oprah, she should take a leaf out of Oprah’s book and drop 40 pounds..."

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I really don't want a(nother) reason to question my faith in the average male's stereotypical standards of beauty, but congrats Nick Coles, you have done it for me. The truly sad thing is that there are men - no wait, asshats - out there like you who believe in this bullshit. Get your head out of those Victoria's Secret catalogs, put down the beer and grow some balls, which probably won't be much help for you, since you don't seem like you plan to get laid. Ever. Mother must be so proud.

/rant

Edit: to see the original article, give them hell here

Wifey Skills According to Him

I knew I was going to have some strong sentiments when I came across another article on Yahoo that caught my eye - "What Keeps a Man Crazy in Love". I thought hmmm what other things can people come up with for women to do to please their man... and the genuises at Redbook provided many entertaining but WTF? ways (at least I think) for a woman to blow her man away with her "wonderfulness". But the weird thing is I read the article as if some of my own friends came up with the list because these are things they would totally come up with. Very. Typical. Guy. Things. Such as:

1. Play poker. ->Or any type of video game really would fit in this category as well.
Why: So you can socialize his way for a change.

2. Give the perfect backrub.
Why: Because there's more than one way to make a guy moan in complete and utter satisfaction.

3. Tie his tie for him.
Why: Because it's such a sexy, retro, little-wifey move. ->I would totally fail at this one. And I really hate the word wifey for some reason.

4. Make a mean steak.
Why: That hulking slab o'beef appeals to his most manly side.

5. Wake him up in the morning.
Why: So he'll start his day with a smile - at the very least. ->This one is kinda cute I'll admit.

6. Give him a barbershop shave. ->Like Raf would ever let me do this.
Why: He'll get a sexy little thrill from letting you wield all the power while he submits to your capable hands.

7. Strip. ->No waaaaay, really?
Why: Because he really - please, baby, please - wants you to.

8. Have a conversation with his boss.
Why: Because he or she is the adult who, after you, matters most in your husband's daily life. So you want to play it just right.

9. Throw him a super surprise party
Why: Because he'll never forget you made him feel so special.

10. Leave him a sexy voicemail at work. ->This one is just LOLtastic
Why: So he'll have a really compelling reason to get home on time.

11. Quote at least three lines from "The Godfather".
Why: Guys believe the Corleones know what it is to be a man. Yours just wants to know you get it. Capisce?

12. Make heart-melting chocolate-chip cookies.
Why: Because they're the essence of wholesome, and he knows you're not. A potent combination.

13. Kick his style up a notch. ->Now this one I could definitely do.
Why: Initially, for your own pleasure. But then the compliments will start rolling in, and he'll seek out your impeccable advice.

Now some of these I can understand. But I wish they came up with more original ideas. Make a mean steak? Poker? Strip? Thanks Redbook for the enlightenment. Now here's a list of my own of a couple things guys should do to keep her glued to you! I mean this in all seriousness!!

1. Go shopping with her. So you can socialize her way with her girlfriends for a change. And when you go, don't act like you're being dragged along, act happy alright.

2. Give the perfect backrub. For the same reasons as guys obviously.

3. Clean the damn kitchen. I think I would be in perpetual happy mode if I woke up and came home to a clean kitchen everyday. Apparently one of my roommates hates that I clean it so often and claims he/she would cook more if I wasn't so uptight, but I won't name any names because it would be too obvious (it's the sarcastic/bald one).

4. Make her breakfast once in a while. How many guys actually wake up early enough to sit down and eat breakfast, let alone take the time and energy to make it for their woman? It would be a very nice surprise in the morning to make her feel appreciated.

5. Play with her hair. Just because it feels nice.

6. Strip. No double standards here.

7. Plan a spontaneous day/night out. I've noticed that girls are always the ones in the relationship wanting to go out and do something new while the guys are usually just "whatever" about it. It would be a very nice and surprising change for the guys to take some initiative to plan for once.

8. If you know it's going to piss her off, just don't say it. I'm not talking about when you're already in the heat of the argument and already running your mouths off to each other. This applies to guys in general, not just 2 people in a relationship. I'm talking about, you know, common sense stuff. Like not saying "I'll fcking kill you" or "Maybe you're pregnant", which I have both gotten within the past 2 weeks...fcker.

9. Be punctual. Which means no running on Filipino time. There's a problem if a guy takes longer to get ready than his girl.

10. Quote at least three lines from movies such as: The Notebook. Pretty Woman. Terms of Endearment. The Princess Bride. Clueless. Mean Girls. I don't even know if I can quote three lines from each of these movies, but it would sure be impressive if a guy could. It would show that he is down for the chick flick.

11. Put on a suit. Gone are the days when men were dressed with sexy, cool sophistication on the daily. Women like their men dressed sharp once in while. And there's definitely something about a guy in a suit.