Sometimes

I can't help but wonder if I'd be as strong as I claim to be if this relationship were to end right here, right now. Would I be able to take the advice that I so willingly dish out to others? To be honest I doubt my credibility when it comes to dating and all that relevant shit because I don't know what it feels like to be alone, to not have that safety cushion of knowing the voice on the other side of the line will always answer. In a weird way I almost feel disadvantaged because I've never been forced to toughen my skin after a really bad heartbreak or being fucked over. It'd be naïve of me to think that I will never experience moments like that, I mean the ones that shake you to the core, so for me the longer I wait for the inevitable, the more I'm afraid of it & the accompanying hurt. I'm not saying I'm waiting for a breakup, just something. I'm not sure what.

I like to think of myself as an independent person, a woman fully capable of making her own. But I'd be lying to myself if I said my relationship hasn't had an effect on almost every decision I've made since December 19, 2002. My decisions weren't always in favor of it, but I can at least say the consideration of it has always been there.

I'm not really sure why I even bother with hypotheticals. We're not in some weird funk. Or fighting right now. As a matter of fact, it's great. Awesome. Whenever people ask me how we're doing, I always go with my default answer: "Oh you know, same ol' stuff". Unless you and I engage on some intense one-on-one conversation, I'm not going to tell you how he and I are really doing because privacy is important to me. But I will share one thing with you guys - when things are going well, when you feel that love is operating at its fullest potential...it's just indescribable. It's no second-guessing, euphoric, feel it to the tips of your toes good. Might as well throw in some unicorns and rainbows while I'm at it lol. But really though, in love is where I find strength, inspiration & happiness. And sometimes I just don't want to think about what would become of me if it were to be stripped away.