It's Friday, I'm in...pain?

I always feel like such a lame-o every time I'm the first person who decides to go home from kicking it ("yup-yup", haha). But by the time Friday night rolls along, I feel like I just can't hang anymore. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it's gotten exponentially worse in the past month or so. My body's achy 24/7, and I struggle to keep my energy at a functional level by midday. There's always the weekend to try to recuperate, but it's a continuous cycle because I'd rather fit as much activities as possible on my only free days than spend it wasting the morning/afternoon away in bed. So basically all I want to say is that I feel like shit. Woe is me.

Case of the Holiday Blues

I've been in a holiday funk, and I can't seem to get out of it. Reasons not necessarily unknown but not entirely concrete either. Relatively speaking I think I've got it pretty good & I'm at a good place in my life right now - however it's only inevitable during the holidays to also think about what you've been missing out on as you reflect on everything that's transpired this past year & the things you're thankful for.

I'm usually good at focusing on the brighter side of things, but I will allow myself to emo-it-out just once in this post. It's gotta come out sometime. With that being said:

-I feel like I let people step over me too much. I've always accepted the fact that sometimes I'm "too nice" but I'm going to grow a bigger backbone ffs. Not going to blame anyone but myself for this one though.

-Lately I haven't been able to do my own thing or call my own shots without someone acting as an obstacle to my independence.

-Experienced losing someone close to me really for the first time this year.

-People I thought I could always rely on & would have my back... some of them proved me wrong. I already have a tough time trusting people. Bummer.

-To put it in the most pathetic terms possible, sometimes it's like feeling lonely without actually being alone.

This could be due to a lot of things. Leaving the college life behind and finally putting it behind me. Work schedule, less free time, including not being on vacation anymore while everyone else is. Nagging family members that make it seem like it's never enough. Just realizing your relationships with some "friends" aren't what they used to be.

But enough of that! Definitely not going to feel sorry for myself, especially going into the New Year. This year has had its shortcomings but like I said, there are many things to be thankful for. I just needed to get some things off my chest to release this negativity and am now leaving it behind with 2009. I'm ready for 2010.

Oh yeah, and as some of you know I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions. So don't be fooled :]

A random thoughts post

-It's tough for me to believe that this year is almost over. Every year people always say "this year's gone by so fast!" but lemme tell you, that's the damn truth for 2009 - for me anyways. About a year ago I was studying for my physiology and dev & cell bio finals, getting ready to go to Vegas with 198 & co. and now I'm going into my fourth month working fulltime. I feel like that was eons ago, then there's the mountain of stuff that happened in between...

-No "what I've learned this past year" post from me. But what I will say is that this year was the closest I've been to experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion. The wave of feelings that I've dealt with these past few months alone was so...cornucopian? Am I even using that right? Doesn't really help that I'm not even sure about what I'm trying to say.

-I've felt this surge of whining and "life sucks" attitudes from a good amount of people for a while now. Maybe that's what I get from following all these people on twitter. Or it could just be a reflection of the state of our country right now (raised tuition, unemployment, etc.). But wow, you gotta shake that negativity off peeps. That's one thing I've had on replay in my head. I'm sure there's good things aplenty you can smile about during your day to offset some petty annoyance that you're just going to forget about the next day. Don't wait for a drastic event remind you of how much you need to enjoy what you have because it can all be gone in a flicker.

-When I was 16 or 17 I would constantly overthink about how different my life would be five years ahead. Here I am, almost 23, still doing the same thing. All of those shoulda, coulda, woulda's. The paths not taken, the ones you wish were available to you, deciding on your next move. I wonder if people still think this way when they're like 90 or if it never really goes away.

-Despite all that, I am in a very happy state. I really am.

Leap of faith

After a long, drawn-out conversation I had with a friend yesterday, we eventually touched on some important subjects that I didn't think would catch me so off-guard. It's like those conversations that you have in middle school where you nonchalantly tell your friends exactly how the rest of your life is going to (or at least, how you think it's supposed to) play out. Without really thinking about how monumental these events are in your life, you make that checklist in your head - college, graduation, starting your career, marriage, starting a family, etc.. Suddenly cut to 10 years later and when it's time to really start the discussion, lo and behold, you really don't know what to say. I've been having way too many of these moments lately haha:

Anyways, I guess we're just at that point in our lives where we actually have to confront all those things we said we would do when we were younger and probably a little braver as well; I mean what 12-year old took into account financial situations or baggage from past experiences when determining their destination in life? I know nowadays you can't help but think about these obstacles, but that naive outlook - sometimes you just have to revert back to that to cut out the bullshit & see the big picture. I appreciate everything that I've learned from my experiences with people and in relationships and just the "real world", but man it would be nice to go back to not having a worry in a world for a day again.

A little after the conversation finished, there was one thought that stuck in my head after talking about a particular subject, but I think it applies to everything -

Can you ever be 100% sure of something if you've never known otherwise?

With some big decisions that folks our age have to make and without having as much experience as older folks, I just have a hard time taking that leap of faith sometimes and just trusting that a certain decision is the right one. It's like saying San Diego is the best city in the world and there's absolutely no other place you'd rather be, but you've never been past the county borders. As much as you love this city and despite having numerous examples lined up to back your case, can you ever really go from that 99% to 100% sure that SD is the place to be and never bother leaving it for the rest of your life because it's that good to you? I don't know...

Because it's my last finals week...without the finals part

This weekend, I made sure to bring all of the necessary notes with me so that I could work on my last real assignment of my college career (I hesitate to say "undergraduate", I keep going back and forth with that idea in my head). But of course, I didn't get any sh*t done. I guess I'll never learn I never learned - I can say that now! Haha. Anyways, this blog has been pretty stagnant as of late, but I don't really want to blame it on lack of time or being too busy with finals/graduation/that biz. Honestly, I couldn't have asked for an easier quarter to ride out the rest of my time here at UCI.

I guess I haven't blogged in a while because I honestly don't have anything to say. As I approach the end of a big chapter in my life, I wish I'd have real insightful things to say, but actually I'm feeling a little numb right now. I think all of the anxiety/relief/happiness/sadness just cancels each other out and I'm left just feeling a little blank. I don't want to put too much out there right now until I can actually articulate my thoughts. I don't want to look back to read this and go "I freaking graduated, and that's all I had to say?" Hah.

Even though I'm sort of in this "whatever" mode at the moment, one thing's for sure; everytime I just think about a job search and just trying to get my foot out there during these times, my face starts to get hot and I almost have a panic attack out of nowhere. Not very characteristic of me. But I can't keep myself from freaking out. I don't want to end up one of those grads that search high and low, 12+ hours a day looking for a job, only to realize 6 months have passed so then you resort to going back to working at the mall or Starbucks. Not that I have anything against honest people making a living that way, but I didn't suffer through Organic Chemistry and Micriobiology for nothing damnit. Sucks to be so worrisome when I'm supposed to be celebrating. But that's life, just gotta deal.

Maybe I should just take the advice of every adult that's talked to me about graduation - "Maybe you should take a break first. This is probably the last real vacation you'll have" :/

Just in case

Note to self/unsure graduates/anxious twenty-somethings/probably you:

Don't be so emo.  You live in America.  Meaning freedom of speech. Endless possibilities.  You probably have never felt what it's really like to go hungry. There's a roof over your head. People in the world wake up not knowing if they will survive the end of the day.  What struggle? Really? Don't take things for granted. Life is good. You'll be fine.  

-Capinator

Searching for answers

I know my recent posts have been heavily centered on politics and religious arguments here and there, but with the significance of this year's election and controversial issues on the ballot, these past couple months have really influenced me in how I view the world and why - pretty much because I forced myself to really sit down and critically think about these issues. It's just been on my mind lately, and while all this introspection is very liberating for my mind, it is also very frustrating.

I guess you could say I'm in some sort of religious/spiritual limbo. More so religious I should say, because what I'm not confused about is my belief in God or my stance on "hot topics" between church and society - abortion, homosexuality, abstinence-only education, etc. - it's crystal clear. What I am confused about is what does this mean for me as someone who was raised Catholic. I just feel that I am not able to commit 100% to being what a Catholic "should be" simply because of what I believe. Even if I were to commit 500% and devoted everything to my faith, I feel like no matter what I absolutely cannot be considered Catholic simply because I believe women should have a choice when it comes to abortion. Or that same-sex marriages are not immoral. Or that sex education is very critical and would help to reduce numbers of abortions and teenage pregnancies to begin with.

Some of it has to do with how the leaders of the church have spoken out against prominent Catholics in politics for their stance on abortion. After VP-to-be Joe Biden received communion in Florida recently, one of the bishops from that area suggested that Biden not present himself for the sacrament anymore, simply due to his pro-choice stance. Biden is not the only Catholic politician in the public eye that has been asked to stop receiving communion. I wouldn't have such a hard time balancing my views if the church authority didn't publicly condemn this middle ground where I stand right now.

There's really no arguing with the Catholic church because of the importance of papal infallibility. This basically means that the pope, working through the Holy Spirit, is free of error when he declares something as right or wrong. This is essentially what makes the Catholic church different from others; it does not stress religious interpretation by the individual but by the church universally. Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Catholic, but if you disagree with one of the core messages that the church preaches today, can you really still identify yourself as a Catholic?

I'm not so sure.

I'm not at all trying to put down Catholicism because if that's what works for you, then all the power to you. It's difficult to really devote yourself to a particular faith and if you can do it and it makes you happy, I find that pretty admirable. As for me right now, I don't want to characterize myself as a "cafeteria Catholic", picking and choosing what I like about the teachings. What's the point if you don't give your all? For anything? As of now I feel like a huge hypocrite when I proclaim myself as a Catholic then get into an argument on how we need to fight for reproductive rights or marriage equality.

I know there is a balance somewhere. I know that thinking logically and thinking in terms of religion are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary. I just don't know if that entails fully committing to a Catholic faith for me right now. I don't want to distance myself from something I've known my whole life but I feel like there is no compromise...