A random thoughts post

-It's tough for me to believe that this year is almost over. Every year people always say "this year's gone by so fast!" but lemme tell you, that's the damn truth for 2009 - for me anyways. About a year ago I was studying for my physiology and dev & cell bio finals, getting ready to go to Vegas with 198 & co. and now I'm going into my fourth month working fulltime. I feel like that was eons ago, then there's the mountain of stuff that happened in between...

-No "what I've learned this past year" post from me. But what I will say is that this year was the closest I've been to experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion. The wave of feelings that I've dealt with these past few months alone was so...cornucopian? Am I even using that right? Doesn't really help that I'm not even sure about what I'm trying to say.

-I've felt this surge of whining and "life sucks" attitudes from a good amount of people for a while now. Maybe that's what I get from following all these people on twitter. Or it could just be a reflection of the state of our country right now (raised tuition, unemployment, etc.). But wow, you gotta shake that negativity off peeps. That's one thing I've had on replay in my head. I'm sure there's good things aplenty you can smile about during your day to offset some petty annoyance that you're just going to forget about the next day. Don't wait for a drastic event remind you of how much you need to enjoy what you have because it can all be gone in a flicker.

-When I was 16 or 17 I would constantly overthink about how different my life would be five years ahead. Here I am, almost 23, still doing the same thing. All of those shoulda, coulda, woulda's. The paths not taken, the ones you wish were available to you, deciding on your next move. I wonder if people still think this way when they're like 90 or if it never really goes away.

-Despite all that, I am in a very happy state. I really am.

Leap of faith

After a long, drawn-out conversation I had with a friend yesterday, we eventually touched on some important subjects that I didn't think would catch me so off-guard. It's like those conversations that you have in middle school where you nonchalantly tell your friends exactly how the rest of your life is going to (or at least, how you think it's supposed to) play out. Without really thinking about how monumental these events are in your life, you make that checklist in your head - college, graduation, starting your career, marriage, starting a family, etc.. Suddenly cut to 10 years later and when it's time to really start the discussion, lo and behold, you really don't know what to say. I've been having way too many of these moments lately haha:

Anyways, I guess we're just at that point in our lives where we actually have to confront all those things we said we would do when we were younger and probably a little braver as well; I mean what 12-year old took into account financial situations or baggage from past experiences when determining their destination in life? I know nowadays you can't help but think about these obstacles, but that naive outlook - sometimes you just have to revert back to that to cut out the bullshit & see the big picture. I appreciate everything that I've learned from my experiences with people and in relationships and just the "real world", but man it would be nice to go back to not having a worry in a world for a day again.

A little after the conversation finished, there was one thought that stuck in my head after talking about a particular subject, but I think it applies to everything -

Can you ever be 100% sure of something if you've never known otherwise?

With some big decisions that folks our age have to make and without having as much experience as older folks, I just have a hard time taking that leap of faith sometimes and just trusting that a certain decision is the right one. It's like saying San Diego is the best city in the world and there's absolutely no other place you'd rather be, but you've never been past the county borders. As much as you love this city and despite having numerous examples lined up to back your case, can you ever really go from that 99% to 100% sure that SD is the place to be and never bother leaving it for the rest of your life because it's that good to you? I don't know...

Blegh

This blog used to be so good. Okay, so I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think it used to be good at least.

Someone inspire me. Piss me off. Surprise me. Criticize me. Motivate me. Advise me. Commit a social injustice against me. Tell me I'm wrong. Agree with me. Bitch me out. Praise me. Anything at this point.

Maybe I'm naive

My relative facebook status for the day, since I don't have a twitter:

Love thy neighbor. Not Christian neighbors only. Not just the straight couple down the street. Not members of the majority down the hall. Love thy neighbor.

I was feeling rather hopeful today...

Headache

For some reason or another, I have a hard time just letting some things play out.  I wish I didn't overanalyze and play out idealistic situations in my head because I'm only setting things up for reality to fall short of them. It's difficult for me to trust that it will all work out in the end because I hate not knowing what's going to happen. It's hard for me not having all the answers right now. 

Funny thing is that I know in the end it won't matter to me - regardless of the means, in the end I'll be happy. I've always told myself those minor issues don't really matter, it's the big picture that counts. So why do I care so much? When did not having control over situations bother me to this extent? Agh. 

Winter break randoms

Some things I've learned or reaffirmed:

In Vegas
_Some girls just have no shame
_Some guys just have no shame
_Some guys just have no shame OR common sense, like knowing when to stop *ahem*
_Even if it's freezing, coat check is not worth $6.
_You can never be too full for a Fat Tuesday, even if you just downed this:

On our 6 year anniversary
_You start running out of ideas for dinner spots/gifts/other typical anniversary stuff, but you really don't mind anymore
_Sometimes staying in to watch a movie and eating mochi > obligatory money-spending activities

While grubbing on holiday food
_Any thought of moderation or portion control goes out the window longer than you realize. You think it only lasts for a couple days, then 1-2 weeks pass and it's like you never put your fork down
_You really can't go wrong with anything potatoes
_I still think cake > pie for the most part

Sometimes All You Need...

is a good hard cry and a chance to spill your heart out. At least I did.

I feel better.

Lessons Learned

I was so excited to finally hit good ol' summer once I finished finals, and for the most part, I was just happy to get some down time without having to think about studying for my next quiz or what I'm going to write about for my next paper. To be honest, I was just soo over school and wanted to give my brain a rest. But surprisingly, with so much time in my hands at the apartment, driving to and fro SD/Irvine, or even sitting at my desk at work for 7 hours everyday, I've just been thinking away 24/7 about life in general. I've been able to nitpick and analyze so many issues that I couldn't really wrap my brain around while trying to juggle school and work, and right now I feel like things are so much clearer to me than ever before. Who knew I would be able to learn so much this summer season? You won't believe all the little things that you realize when the time seems to pass slower and the days are longer.

First of all, I've realized that definitely not the same person I was a couple years ago, more beliefs/perspectives-wise than anything else. Even reading back to my xanga from 2 years ago seems completely foreign to me. I've really changed my outlooks on various aspects of life, from relationships, true friends, my future, priorities, ideals, and almost everything else under the sun. I think I've adopted a more "It is what it is" motto for life at the moment, going from a somewhat naive way of thinking to a more realistic one; life will throw you some serious curveballs (as I've learned myself as well as talking to some good friends this past month) and sometimes there's really nothing you can do about it except to make the best of it. I see now that some things you perceived as perfect before can come crashing down any second and that some things don't last forever, no matter how much you feel it should be otherwise. I don't want it to sound like I'm more accepting of those downs you experience in life or like I'm not as hopeful, because honestly I think it has only made me more appreciative of the "now", with me making more of an effort to not take anything for granted. I'm trying to avoid not knowing what I've got until it's gone.

Although I make the drive from Irvine to San Diego weekly, my most recent trip kind of solidified this new perspective. Two summers ago, I got into this bad car accident on the 5 after I did a 360 on the freeway and finally hit a side of a hill on the right side of the road. This time, I really paid attention to the area where it happened (right before the Manchester exit) and noticed that not even 50 meters before that was a view point - only 2 flimsy fences separate you from the fall off the freeway, and if I had spun out a few seconds before I did, who knows what the outcome would have been... The point I'm trying to get to is that I always used to think of "what ifs" in my life whenever I would feel empty at times or wished for something more. Now when those cross my mind, I try to focus on all the blessings in my life and realize how lucky I am just to be right here, right now. I'm not trying to make this post seem self-serving, but these are just some thoughts in my head that I want to put out there while they're still clear.

A little off topic but something that really makes my day is when the things I post about are actually relevant to life! Haha. Lately I've been having conversations with people or events happen and I would just think "Wow I blogged about that" or "Hmm must have read my post" lol - it's nice to know that the things that go through my head aren't so pointless after all (Soulmates, shmoulmates or They Say You Want a Revolution are 2 posts that come to mind, particularly the balance issue mentioned in the latter).

Even though I haven't done anything that exciting yet this summer, it's been great for me so far. Hopefully by the end of September I'll have more answers to life's questions, or better yet have more questions to challenge myself with.

About time biotch

It took a couple weeks longer than most of you and back to back sleepless nights, but summer is finally here for me! Took my last 2 finals this morning, and I am happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised with how I felt walking out of both of my classes. Kicked multiple ass uggggh son. Haha fck I'm so happy, I don't really have anything else to say right now, I just needed to get this out. Good job UC kids.



Potential topics for upcoming posts (after I've had a little more time to recover):
-Summer schedule/stuff to look forward to
-Personal wank on the classic idea of "soulmates" and why it's stupid
-Second-hand embarassment. I seriously can't take it.

They Say You Want a Revolution

Last night was another one of those "late night at 198" episodes, after a little bit of wine, Captain Morgan and accompanying snacks; common topics such as philosophy and religion were discussed as usual, but in this edition of "late night" the main subject at hand seemed to be our generation as a whole. Lots of good points were brought up during our discussion 'round the table, and I just wanted to put out some things I said/wanted to say last night before they sink into the back of my brain behind population dynamics and freshwater ecology (4 more weeks of school for us, booo). Excuse the randomness of the following points, we covered a lot of ground last night and for me to try to put it into some meaningful format would be nearly impossible:

-This has been on my mind for a while, but I honestly think that if I only had one thing to strive for in life, it would be balance. I think as we go through life, ultimately what we're trying to find is a happy medium in every aspect of our lives - balance within relationships and time/energy for yourself, balance between work and play, balance between striving for more in life and being happy with/working with what you already have, etc. A reason why I believe the search for balance is important and actually works is that it applies to everyone, yet at the same time the right "balance" for one person is completely different from the next. From now on I don't think I'm necessarily going to go after what I perceive is "happiness" or "success" because I believe as long as I have that right balance in my life, all of those things should just fall into place somehow. This means trying to view the decisions in my life not in just black or white, but rather try to see the spectrum that lies between. I'm really hoping this makes sense.

-Everyone in our discussion last night pretty much identified themselves as Catholic, but all of our views on religion could not be any more different. Somewhat going along the lines of trying to find balance in my life, I often find myself in an inner conflict between the rules and traditions I was brought up with in the church and my views on religion and the world that I've garnered mostly in my college years. Then sometimes I think no matter what, religion serves its purpose for me regardless of what I believe - in the big picture, the minor discrepancies between my beliefs and what Catholicism says I "should" believe in don't really matter. My religion has still taught me to be a forgiving person, has given me a basis for my moral ground, and maybe most surprisingly, has reiterated the most that I'm human, I make mistakes and that it's okay. That's why I don't understand how people can be so close minded and judgmental of a person just because of their religious views, or even lack of them. Whatever works for you, you know?

-As for the people in our generation, I think a large part of why we're seen as indifferent to important issues in the world or even seen as just plain stupid is that we really haven't had to experience hardships like those before us; we haven't had to endure civil rights movements, serve in world wars, suffer great depressions, etc. In one way, that's a great thing because I'm sure our grandparents and ancestors did what they had to do so that our lives wouldn't be as difficult as theirs. But at the same time, I just wish it didn't take a global crisis or something to personally affect our lives before we realize how good we really have it. If there was something our generation is lacking in, I would say compassion. Too many people are seriously invested in BS nowadays, I wouldn't have such a big problem with it as long as, at the same time, they could open their eyes and just acknowledge the hardships that people from other parts of the world go through everyday. It's so easy to complain about how your parents haven't bought you the latest gadgets when you don't think about the single mothers in war torn countries struggling to put food on the table *sigh*

Spoons

is the worst game ever.

Bigtoe licking hair flossing kimchee juice downing wet willy giving highlighter tongue-ing in the armpit ice cubing feet smelling unknown refrigerator substance drinking body hair gelling FUN.

And fck actual spoons, we play with quarters.

Sorry it's been a long day, this is what I feel like right now:

Random Thoughts Post

So Spring Break already passed by like it was nothing, and today was my not-so-dreaded return to school. I did really well last quarter, so I came into this one with some good motivation and confidence. We'll see how long that outlook holds up (ask me at the end of 2nd week maybe? haha) but I'm taking all biology classes this quarter so I really want to take this opportunity to boost up my Biosci GPA up. I don't have much to say about spring break since I didn't do anything too exciting, so this is just going to be another random thoughts post about stuff here and there.

1. I shouldn't be too surprised, but even during spring break I could not escape the Smash pandemic. In SD or Irvine, late night or in the middle of the day, Smash was there. The surprising part should be that I actually considered getting into the game myself. I played video games like one of the guys in elementary school and I'm pretty good at picking up stuff fast, so why not right? Omg what the heck am I saying.

2. I've been obsessing over American Apparel lately. Their stuff is so comfy and they have a lot of basic pieces that you can wear with anything, even if it is a little on the pricy side. However, I have to say that their ads are LOLtastic sometimes. I was browsing through their site on my lunch break at work and became mortified at this half naked chick in only skinny jeans sticking her ass at the screen while gnawing on her finger. Oh yeah and bare breasts too. Nice. Maybe the 70's porn-inspired advertising is part of the appeal.

Notice the great product placement.

3. I would have thrown such a fit if the Jabbawockeez didn't win ABDC. The West Coast pwns so much at the dance scene, it's crazy. Kaba Modern alum/well-known choreographer Miguel Zarate is going to be on that new Bravo dance show Step Up and Dance, so check that out. I'm also looking forward to the second season of ABDC just to see familiar faces on TV, because you know some of the West Coast teams that we've been watching for years are going to end up on there.

4. I've been so proud of myself for my workout ethic lately. I've been going 3-4 times each week, and I'm going to make sure I keep this going into summer. This is the vain part of me speaking, but I found good motivation in buying clothes that I wouldn't wear unless I was feeling really good about myself (aka little red dress). Because first of all, you don't want to look bad in the clothes, and second, you actually want to try because it would be a waste to spend $$$ on clothes and not wear them, right?

5. So to redeem myself from sounding too superficial, I just want to say I really learned so much during the past quarter in school - and it's stuff that I think is actually relevant to life. I'm more aware and concerned about issues that struck a nerve with me, such as women's rights (or lack of them) around the world and global health issues. An interesting book that I read was "Strapped" by Tamara Draut, which talks about why it's becoming harder and harder for people in our generation to get ahead, from rising college costs, the prevalence of debt among young people, and lots of other issues that really got me thinking about my future. It's somewhat of a depressing read, but an interesting one.

Piece of Mind

Sometimes I don't have enough to say about one topic to make a decent post about it, or I have too many little issues that I want to discuss. Therefore here's a random thoughts post - more in the future if I ever run into this dilemma again.

Random Thoughts of the Day

1. I haven't felt 100% in a couple weeks and now I feel like I'm getting worse and more sick. Looks like a Saturday in for me today, damnit. I seriously can't wait until winter season is over so I can stop feeling crappy for once.

2. I mean this in the least egotistical way possible: If there's one thing that I wish I was more acknowledged for, it would be for people to recognize my smarts. Not necessarily because I think I'm a genius or that intelligence should be the top priority in one's life, but I think it's more that females in general don't get recognized enough in this area. For once it would be nice to listen in on guys' conversations about girls and hear them talk about her mind more than...other things.

3. If I applied the time playing Guitar Hero or Rock Band to trying to learn an actual instrument, I probably would be really good at it by now. That's just something for myself to think about the next time I'm looking for a new hobby.

4. It's super annoying when string cheese doesn't actually break in straight lines. What's the point in eating it if it's going to get all chunky on you? Might as well buy the block kind.

5. I thought about all those times when I'd hear girls say how so many guys they meet are only about getting some. But I wonder if they would say the same thing if they ended up dating a guy that doesn't appreciate sex at all. It doesn't even have to be sex really, but even affection and intimacy. How lame would that be, I would be so pissed.

6. OMG I'm so excited for the Lost episode next week. Desmond episodes >>> any other episodes in my opinion. *Spoilers* ----> And what the heck did they do to Claire for Aaron to end up with Kate? I personally think that the people who don't eventually make it off the island don't die but decide to stay on the island instead. Because if not and they kill off Claire, that would be a seriously heartless move on the writer's behalf. Heartless!

7. I still really want to see Step Up 2. Dunno, I guess I'm just a sucker for those movies. I'm not expecting too much from the plot but as long as no one's little brother gets shot midway through the movie again I can tolerate it. And to think I snuck in to see You Got Served when it came out...

8. Feminist: one who advocates the social, political, and all other rights of women to be equal to those of men. That being said, it's a pretty big fallacy to give "feminist" this negative connotation that it really doesn't deserve. Maybe more specifically it's that people only think in extremes - it's either the militant feminist who believes that women shouldn't wear heels or dresses, wear make-up, shave their legs, should be subject to the draft if it ever comes back, and literally live their lives with no huge differences from the lives of men, or it's the bimbo who really doesn't give 2 shits about sex discrimination, abuse or the advancement of women's rights at all. There really is a middle ground, folks. Call me a feminist, I won't get offended.

9. Christian Bale is so fine. I think I need to put up a new poster on my wall next to my Pirates one. Or a Daniel Henney one. The latter is highly unlikely though, I don't think he's popular enough to even have posters made of him. But word is that he's cast in the new Wolverine movie as Agent Zero. Niiice.

10. You know what I really want? It would be sooo fun to go on a double date with other people. No third wheel stuff, but with an actual couple. But I have no idea if that's going to be a reality anytime soon *sigh*