Leap of faith

After a long, drawn-out conversation I had with a friend yesterday, we eventually touched on some important subjects that I didn't think would catch me so off-guard. It's like those conversations that you have in middle school where you nonchalantly tell your friends exactly how the rest of your life is going to (or at least, how you think it's supposed to) play out. Without really thinking about how monumental these events are in your life, you make that checklist in your head - college, graduation, starting your career, marriage, starting a family, etc.. Suddenly cut to 10 years later and when it's time to really start the discussion, lo and behold, you really don't know what to say. I've been having way too many of these moments lately haha:

Anyways, I guess we're just at that point in our lives where we actually have to confront all those things we said we would do when we were younger and probably a little braver as well; I mean what 12-year old took into account financial situations or baggage from past experiences when determining their destination in life? I know nowadays you can't help but think about these obstacles, but that naive outlook - sometimes you just have to revert back to that to cut out the bullshit & see the big picture. I appreciate everything that I've learned from my experiences with people and in relationships and just the "real world", but man it would be nice to go back to not having a worry in a world for a day again.

A little after the conversation finished, there was one thought that stuck in my head after talking about a particular subject, but I think it applies to everything -

Can you ever be 100% sure of something if you've never known otherwise?

With some big decisions that folks our age have to make and without having as much experience as older folks, I just have a hard time taking that leap of faith sometimes and just trusting that a certain decision is the right one. It's like saying San Diego is the best city in the world and there's absolutely no other place you'd rather be, but you've never been past the county borders. As much as you love this city and despite having numerous examples lined up to back your case, can you ever really go from that 99% to 100% sure that SD is the place to be and never bother leaving it for the rest of your life because it's that good to you? I don't know...

Joyride

Trying to get to and from San Diego in such a hurry right after work lately almost made me forget how much I love driving at night so much more. Besides the obvious clearer roadways and avoidance of rush hour stress, night driving to and from San Diego and Irvine just puts me in this certain vibe. The silence on the road allows me for that hour and fifteen minutes to think more clearly about things, along with some KyXy 96.5 in the background - I really can't get myself to listen to anything else during this time. It's also the only time I will belt to the top of my lungs because no one can hear me, and the fact that I can pretty much sing the chorus of every song that comes on - REO Speedwagon, James Ingram, Toto - all the soft rock staples, try me.


On the most recent trip down to SD, I already had that mindset that summer is pretty much over. Although I don't go back to school until the end of the month, everyone else is back to the books. I don't even have anything going on after the Vegas trip this weekend (whoo!) except work, so Sin City seals the deal for me. I'll probably have a more thorough end of summer review in the future but I just wanted to touch on some views of mine that have been steadfast since the beginning of the summer.

Like I mentioned in Lessons Learned, I adopted a more realistic and "It is what it is" perspective towards life at the summer's start. And well, it's the end of the summer and not much has changed. I worked almost everyday since the end of finals and while I wish I could be wallowing in cash right now, this time my parents put more responsibility on me and I had shit to pay for, along with setting goals to save up money for certain things - Raf's Birthday, Vegas trip, etc. Gas, groceries, partial rent, car payments, books for school, and all the everyday essentials add up quicker than you think. Also, my laptop crashed a couple weeks ago, and although that was a bummer, I was super excited to finally get a new laptop - until I realized I would be paying for all of it. A very different story from last summer, when I spent my money about 20 minutes after clocking out every other day. Thank God I'm not working retail anymore.

My new perspective on things also affected the way I handled relationships. For me, it was very easy before to be naive about wants and needs - a very "all you need is love" kinda thing. But I realized it's a lot easier on paper than it is in practice. Sure I didn't want to admit that things like money and job quality and million other issues mattered to me in the end, but when these things come at you and force you to make decisions you needn't had to do before, it can be a very big wake up call. I've come to the conclusion that maybe a relationship really can't survive on love alone, and that mindset was something hard for me to let go. Maybe money and job quality aren't the best examples, but can a real, satisfying, loving relationship survive without faith? Support from your family and friends? Tolerance of each other's differences? I guess in the end even almighty love couldn't escape my theory about everything needing to be in balance.

This summer was full of reality checks, and I think it was what I needed. But summer isn't totally over yet, and what I reallllly need is a real vacation. Vegas post when I return!!

Sometimes All You Need...

is a good hard cry and a chance to spill your heart out. At least I did.

I feel better.

Lessons Learned

I was so excited to finally hit good ol' summer once I finished finals, and for the most part, I was just happy to get some down time without having to think about studying for my next quiz or what I'm going to write about for my next paper. To be honest, I was just soo over school and wanted to give my brain a rest. But surprisingly, with so much time in my hands at the apartment, driving to and fro SD/Irvine, or even sitting at my desk at work for 7 hours everyday, I've just been thinking away 24/7 about life in general. I've been able to nitpick and analyze so many issues that I couldn't really wrap my brain around while trying to juggle school and work, and right now I feel like things are so much clearer to me than ever before. Who knew I would be able to learn so much this summer season? You won't believe all the little things that you realize when the time seems to pass slower and the days are longer.

First of all, I've realized that definitely not the same person I was a couple years ago, more beliefs/perspectives-wise than anything else. Even reading back to my xanga from 2 years ago seems completely foreign to me. I've really changed my outlooks on various aspects of life, from relationships, true friends, my future, priorities, ideals, and almost everything else under the sun. I think I've adopted a more "It is what it is" motto for life at the moment, going from a somewhat naive way of thinking to a more realistic one; life will throw you some serious curveballs (as I've learned myself as well as talking to some good friends this past month) and sometimes there's really nothing you can do about it except to make the best of it. I see now that some things you perceived as perfect before can come crashing down any second and that some things don't last forever, no matter how much you feel it should be otherwise. I don't want it to sound like I'm more accepting of those downs you experience in life or like I'm not as hopeful, because honestly I think it has only made me more appreciative of the "now", with me making more of an effort to not take anything for granted. I'm trying to avoid not knowing what I've got until it's gone.

Although I make the drive from Irvine to San Diego weekly, my most recent trip kind of solidified this new perspective. Two summers ago, I got into this bad car accident on the 5 after I did a 360 on the freeway and finally hit a side of a hill on the right side of the road. This time, I really paid attention to the area where it happened (right before the Manchester exit) and noticed that not even 50 meters before that was a view point - only 2 flimsy fences separate you from the fall off the freeway, and if I had spun out a few seconds before I did, who knows what the outcome would have been... The point I'm trying to get to is that I always used to think of "what ifs" in my life whenever I would feel empty at times or wished for something more. Now when those cross my mind, I try to focus on all the blessings in my life and realize how lucky I am just to be right here, right now. I'm not trying to make this post seem self-serving, but these are just some thoughts in my head that I want to put out there while they're still clear.

A little off topic but something that really makes my day is when the things I post about are actually relevant to life! Haha. Lately I've been having conversations with people or events happen and I would just think "Wow I blogged about that" or "Hmm must have read my post" lol - it's nice to know that the things that go through my head aren't so pointless after all (Soulmates, shmoulmates or They Say You Want a Revolution are 2 posts that come to mind, particularly the balance issue mentioned in the latter).

Even though I haven't done anything that exciting yet this summer, it's been great for me so far. Hopefully by the end of September I'll have more answers to life's questions, or better yet have more questions to challenge myself with.