Live it off the wall

Happy New Year everyone! I wish I didn't end the year sounding so bitter but at least I can leave that negativity behind now & start with a clean slate. Definitely looking forward to what 2010 will bring - the good, the bad, the fugly - I'm up for a challenge.

Probably should've done this earlier, but here's an end of the year survey just for kicks.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Lots of firsts (& some "only-once's") this year. Graduation, landed my first full-time job, lots of "growing up" stuff. Oh yeah, and I've never had to completely overhaul a 13-page original fictional story the night before it was due (successfully too!) 2010 has some big shoes to fill.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't have any specific resolutions except these, and they still sound good to me.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes.

5. What countries did you visit? Didn't travel in 2009. Boo.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Patience, faith that things will work themselves out.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? June 13 - BioSci Commencement. October 24 - day of bad news.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Again, graduating and job. Getting my grown-woman on.

9. What was your biggest failure? It's still difficult for me to open up and express my feelings sometimes. I need to fix that since it affects important relationships, especially with my parents.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing noteworthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My MyTouch! For as long as I've had a cell phone, I've never bought an upgraded phone until this year. I could always rely on Raf for his hand-me-downs, even though I'd always lose them :/ And not gonna lie I really like my Marc by Marc Jacobs bag.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My brother. He graduated this year too and started college at UCI. He's one person I don't worry about too much because he has a good head on his shoulders.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Cheaters. 2009 was their year I swear, all over the news as well as things I'd hear about.

14. Where did most of your money go? Now a good portion of it goes to my savings, but at 198 I swear it all went to food. It's hard to resist AYCE Korean BBQ, Le Dip, Yardhouse Happy Hour, Yen Sushi, & all of our other favorite spots in The Vine (I miss it :/) I also have a bad online shopping habit.

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about? SF weekend earlier in the year. Starting my new job. Glee & the American Idol finale with Kradam lol.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? If you know me then you won't be surprised if I say anything by Lady Gaga.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier? About the same but for different reasons.
Thinner? A little bit, didn't indulge as much this holiday season.
Richer? Yup.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Save money, blog, work out, make an effort to keep in touch with friends. BALANCE.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Judge, complain, worry about things that are out of my hands anyway.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family & watched Avatar in 3D.

21. How will you be spending new years? Spent it with Raf & his family at JV's dad's house.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? Daily.

23. How many one-night stands? No thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program? LOST, Glee, SYTYCD, Chuck, most of Discovery Channel.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No

26. What was the best book you read? I enjoyed "Animal Farm" & "House of Leaves". I also really liked this book of short stories by Raymond Carver.

27. What was your biggest musical discovery? No artists in particular but I usually rely on Jay to send me some dope stuff, & he doesn't disappoint with his findings.

28. What did you want and you got? A job. It's a plus that I actually like it.

29. What did you want and not get? Respect from a few people. To be able to manage my time better.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? UP, Star Trek, District 9. I have more on my "to watch" list.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn? Turned 23, had a little shindig at Confidential.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not feeling so restricted at times (sometimes due to other people, other times myself).

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Classy & cute.

34. What kept you sane? I could always turn to Raf or Jay.

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most? They come and go but it's always Johnny<3>

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Oh man. The ongoing debate on marriage equality, women's rights. See here for examples.

37. Who did you miss? Now that I'm back at home I miss the good times in Irvine.

38. Who was the best new person you met? I like all the people I met this year. I won't stroke any egos by naming names lol.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: You can never tell those close to your heart "I love you" too much.

40. Quote or Song Lyric that sums up your year: “So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf and just enjoy yourself, groove, let the madness in the music get to you,
life ain't so bad at all.”

"But he's a nice guy!"

Now don't get me wrong, I love me some nice guys. There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy. They make great friends (I know, something nice guys hate hearing. But it's true!). And if I was single, I would probably take the nice guy next door any day over the quintessential bad boy - that is, if I had to choose and had no option of the perfect mix between the two, cuz y'all know me & my thing with balance.

Although some bad boys make it hard for a girl to choose...

However, I CAN'T stand it when dudes pull the "nice guy" card as if it cancels out other shortcomings, or even worse, when other people do it for that person. Being a nice guy does not automatically exempt you from other douche tendencies. There are many everyday examples of this curious dichotomy of likable & loser.

See:

_The holier-than-thou guy whose preachiness is off the charts. You never feel like you're having a conversation "with" him because it always seems like he's talking "at" you about some shiet he thinks you could learn from. But he's a nice guy!

_The dude whose "Do-I-Sound-Like-An-Asshole-Right-Now?" awareness meter seems to be broken 24/7. One too many snarky comments here and there. But I'm sure he never means it, because he's a nice guy!

_Not the ego-inflated jerk, but rather the one whose self-deprecation is just too much to deal with. We all do it, but you know the guy that never stops? But he's a nice guy!

_The bigot. Self-explanatory. But he's a nice guy??

Take home message of the day: I still have love for nice guys! Just remember that it isn't some disguise or excuse to engage in some dickish behaviors.

Now go forth, and sin no more.

Happy 100th!

Between last-quarter-ever anxieties, putting in more hours at work, the laziness-inducing weather, and basically just figuring out what I'm going to do with my life, I haven't had a chance lately to just sit down and think things out for a minute. There's also the fact that I've been resorting to Twitter to post random, useless thoughts that don't warrant their own post, but I digress.  I saw that this would be my 100th post on this site (whoopee!) and I didn't have any grand idea deserving of this spot, so I guess it would just be best to look back on some of my favorite posts.

Unlike looking back at my old Xanga, I actually enjoy going back and reading through some of my old posts here haha.  From politics and religion to relationships and social commentary in general, I definitely solidified some of my views on  - or am on my way to figuring out - these topics during the past 100 posts.  I remember back in high school I was pretty indif

ferent to a lot of things, but thanks to my experiences in college, life, and just plain ol' growing up, I've been able to open my eyes arguably for the better.  

Dating/Relationships:

- Soulmates, Shmoulmates: One of my usual relationship wanks

- The Sexy Post: My guide on how to be "Top Tier" lol

- Wifey Skills According to Him:I'm not a fan of lists like this but it was fun to make it anyways

Feminism & Sexism:

- Sex Sells, Female Chauvinism, Etc.: Thoughts about beauty standards, where to draw the line b/w sexy and trashy

- Give Me a Break: Double standards FTL

Religion/Philosophy:

- Science & Religion: Contradictory or Compatible?: I was compelled to basically write an essay after taking my philosophy of biology class

- Searching for Answers: A summary of where I stand right now in regards to religion in my life and how it's changed

- They Say You Want a Revolution: Thoughts on these 2 subjects after one of our late night 198 talks

Politics/Civil Rights:

- My Turn on Prop 8 Thoughts: An issue I was pretty passionate about this past year

- Obama takes a step forward for women's rights and the abortion issue: Another touchy subject, I just wanted to get some information out there for people to think about

Thanks to all (probably around 3 haha) of my readers and people who have commented on my stuff, I really enjoy reading your commentary, criticisms and compliments! Here's to the next 100 posts *crosses fingers*

High on life

I'm in a constant balancing act.

Sometimes I need to learn how to just let go...

Hello '09

What is there to say about 2008? I don't really want to go into too much detail in this post about the ups and downs of the year for me, but what I can definitely say about '08 is that this year was an eye-opener. I think I've learned the most this year, academically, about others, and about myself. But for kicks, the stuff I can think off the top of my head (in no particular order):

The Good
I voted! Obama! Olympics opening ceremony and Michael Phelps. Everyone else turning 21 and doing 21+ grown-up thangs. Good grades. Las Vegas x2. Being more independent. Falling deeper in love. Reconnecting with old friends. Seeing Q-Tip, The Cool Kids, Pacific Division, Usher. 198 & co. adventures. Amazing year for movies in general. Turning 22. Asserting my convictions.

The Bad
Economy. Tons of notable & celebrity deaths. Prop 8. Losing my religion (ironically I'm still thinking this could be a blessing in disguise). Political/election drama. Working everyday of summer. And still ending up semi-broke by winter. Mediocre year for music, in my opinion.

2008 looked liked a great year for me by just comparing the highs and the lows, but I like to think that I had a bigger role than mere chance in the outcome. Besides, it takes the same amount energy to smile and count your blessings as it does to frown and dwell on your misfortunes, so why not just look on the bright side?

I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions except for taking better care of myself. As long as it nourishes my body, mind, or heart, anything goes. On paper, it sounds rather narcissistic but I feel like by working on myself first, everything else should fall into place - I can take better care of others if I take better care of myself.

Work out. Don't eat too much junk. Read more. Keep an open mind. Forgive and accept more easily. Nurture the relationships you have. Learn to love more.

As for not having other real resolutions, I've noticed that probably only 1/10 of your initial resolutions still have importance by the end of the year. As I get older, I realize more and more what things are most important, and which others can play second fiddle to the real priorities. Although I don't know what 2009 has in store for me, I'm willing to put all my faith in God and the little idea I've been clinging to this year called balance - neither has failed me yet.

Searching for answers

I know my recent posts have been heavily centered on politics and religious arguments here and there, but with the significance of this year's election and controversial issues on the ballot, these past couple months have really influenced me in how I view the world and why - pretty much because I forced myself to really sit down and critically think about these issues. It's just been on my mind lately, and while all this introspection is very liberating for my mind, it is also very frustrating.

I guess you could say I'm in some sort of religious/spiritual limbo. More so religious I should say, because what I'm not confused about is my belief in God or my stance on "hot topics" between church and society - abortion, homosexuality, abstinence-only education, etc. - it's crystal clear. What I am confused about is what does this mean for me as someone who was raised Catholic. I just feel that I am not able to commit 100% to being what a Catholic "should be" simply because of what I believe. Even if I were to commit 500% and devoted everything to my faith, I feel like no matter what I absolutely cannot be considered Catholic simply because I believe women should have a choice when it comes to abortion. Or that same-sex marriages are not immoral. Or that sex education is very critical and would help to reduce numbers of abortions and teenage pregnancies to begin with.

Some of it has to do with how the leaders of the church have spoken out against prominent Catholics in politics for their stance on abortion. After VP-to-be Joe Biden received communion in Florida recently, one of the bishops from that area suggested that Biden not present himself for the sacrament anymore, simply due to his pro-choice stance. Biden is not the only Catholic politician in the public eye that has been asked to stop receiving communion. I wouldn't have such a hard time balancing my views if the church authority didn't publicly condemn this middle ground where I stand right now.

There's really no arguing with the Catholic church because of the importance of papal infallibility. This basically means that the pope, working through the Holy Spirit, is free of error when he declares something as right or wrong. This is essentially what makes the Catholic church different from others; it does not stress religious interpretation by the individual but by the church universally. Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Catholic, but if you disagree with one of the core messages that the church preaches today, can you really still identify yourself as a Catholic?

I'm not so sure.

I'm not at all trying to put down Catholicism because if that's what works for you, then all the power to you. It's difficult to really devote yourself to a particular faith and if you can do it and it makes you happy, I find that pretty admirable. As for me right now, I don't want to characterize myself as a "cafeteria Catholic", picking and choosing what I like about the teachings. What's the point if you don't give your all? For anything? As of now I feel like a huge hypocrite when I proclaim myself as a Catholic then get into an argument on how we need to fight for reproductive rights or marriage equality.

I know there is a balance somewhere. I know that thinking logically and thinking in terms of religion are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary. I just don't know if that entails fully committing to a Catholic faith for me right now. I don't want to distance myself from something I've known my whole life but I feel like there is no compromise...

Juxtaposed: Religion

I'm going to have this in my house someday...

"The objective of the Juxtaposed series of bookshelves is to give books new meaning by juxtaposing them with other books.  A book on its own is very different than a book in the context of other books." - Mike and Maaik

Joyride

Trying to get to and from San Diego in such a hurry right after work lately almost made me forget how much I love driving at night so much more. Besides the obvious clearer roadways and avoidance of rush hour stress, night driving to and from San Diego and Irvine just puts me in this certain vibe. The silence on the road allows me for that hour and fifteen minutes to think more clearly about things, along with some KyXy 96.5 in the background - I really can't get myself to listen to anything else during this time. It's also the only time I will belt to the top of my lungs because no one can hear me, and the fact that I can pretty much sing the chorus of every song that comes on - REO Speedwagon, James Ingram, Toto - all the soft rock staples, try me.


On the most recent trip down to SD, I already had that mindset that summer is pretty much over. Although I don't go back to school until the end of the month, everyone else is back to the books. I don't even have anything going on after the Vegas trip this weekend (whoo!) except work, so Sin City seals the deal for me. I'll probably have a more thorough end of summer review in the future but I just wanted to touch on some views of mine that have been steadfast since the beginning of the summer.

Like I mentioned in Lessons Learned, I adopted a more realistic and "It is what it is" perspective towards life at the summer's start. And well, it's the end of the summer and not much has changed. I worked almost everyday since the end of finals and while I wish I could be wallowing in cash right now, this time my parents put more responsibility on me and I had shit to pay for, along with setting goals to save up money for certain things - Raf's Birthday, Vegas trip, etc. Gas, groceries, partial rent, car payments, books for school, and all the everyday essentials add up quicker than you think. Also, my laptop crashed a couple weeks ago, and although that was a bummer, I was super excited to finally get a new laptop - until I realized I would be paying for all of it. A very different story from last summer, when I spent my money about 20 minutes after clocking out every other day. Thank God I'm not working retail anymore.

My new perspective on things also affected the way I handled relationships. For me, it was very easy before to be naive about wants and needs - a very "all you need is love" kinda thing. But I realized it's a lot easier on paper than it is in practice. Sure I didn't want to admit that things like money and job quality and million other issues mattered to me in the end, but when these things come at you and force you to make decisions you needn't had to do before, it can be a very big wake up call. I've come to the conclusion that maybe a relationship really can't survive on love alone, and that mindset was something hard for me to let go. Maybe money and job quality aren't the best examples, but can a real, satisfying, loving relationship survive without faith? Support from your family and friends? Tolerance of each other's differences? I guess in the end even almighty love couldn't escape my theory about everything needing to be in balance.

This summer was full of reality checks, and I think it was what I needed. But summer isn't totally over yet, and what I reallllly need is a real vacation. Vegas post when I return!!

Lessons Learned

I was so excited to finally hit good ol' summer once I finished finals, and for the most part, I was just happy to get some down time without having to think about studying for my next quiz or what I'm going to write about for my next paper. To be honest, I was just soo over school and wanted to give my brain a rest. But surprisingly, with so much time in my hands at the apartment, driving to and fro SD/Irvine, or even sitting at my desk at work for 7 hours everyday, I've just been thinking away 24/7 about life in general. I've been able to nitpick and analyze so many issues that I couldn't really wrap my brain around while trying to juggle school and work, and right now I feel like things are so much clearer to me than ever before. Who knew I would be able to learn so much this summer season? You won't believe all the little things that you realize when the time seems to pass slower and the days are longer.

First of all, I've realized that definitely not the same person I was a couple years ago, more beliefs/perspectives-wise than anything else. Even reading back to my xanga from 2 years ago seems completely foreign to me. I've really changed my outlooks on various aspects of life, from relationships, true friends, my future, priorities, ideals, and almost everything else under the sun. I think I've adopted a more "It is what it is" motto for life at the moment, going from a somewhat naive way of thinking to a more realistic one; life will throw you some serious curveballs (as I've learned myself as well as talking to some good friends this past month) and sometimes there's really nothing you can do about it except to make the best of it. I see now that some things you perceived as perfect before can come crashing down any second and that some things don't last forever, no matter how much you feel it should be otherwise. I don't want it to sound like I'm more accepting of those downs you experience in life or like I'm not as hopeful, because honestly I think it has only made me more appreciative of the "now", with me making more of an effort to not take anything for granted. I'm trying to avoid not knowing what I've got until it's gone.

Although I make the drive from Irvine to San Diego weekly, my most recent trip kind of solidified this new perspective. Two summers ago, I got into this bad car accident on the 5 after I did a 360 on the freeway and finally hit a side of a hill on the right side of the road. This time, I really paid attention to the area where it happened (right before the Manchester exit) and noticed that not even 50 meters before that was a view point - only 2 flimsy fences separate you from the fall off the freeway, and if I had spun out a few seconds before I did, who knows what the outcome would have been... The point I'm trying to get to is that I always used to think of "what ifs" in my life whenever I would feel empty at times or wished for something more. Now when those cross my mind, I try to focus on all the blessings in my life and realize how lucky I am just to be right here, right now. I'm not trying to make this post seem self-serving, but these are just some thoughts in my head that I want to put out there while they're still clear.

A little off topic but something that really makes my day is when the things I post about are actually relevant to life! Haha. Lately I've been having conversations with people or events happen and I would just think "Wow I blogged about that" or "Hmm must have read my post" lol - it's nice to know that the things that go through my head aren't so pointless after all (Soulmates, shmoulmates or They Say You Want a Revolution are 2 posts that come to mind, particularly the balance issue mentioned in the latter).

Even though I haven't done anything that exciting yet this summer, it's been great for me so far. Hopefully by the end of September I'll have more answers to life's questions, or better yet have more questions to challenge myself with.

They Say You Want a Revolution

Last night was another one of those "late night at 198" episodes, after a little bit of wine, Captain Morgan and accompanying snacks; common topics such as philosophy and religion were discussed as usual, but in this edition of "late night" the main subject at hand seemed to be our generation as a whole. Lots of good points were brought up during our discussion 'round the table, and I just wanted to put out some things I said/wanted to say last night before they sink into the back of my brain behind population dynamics and freshwater ecology (4 more weeks of school for us, booo). Excuse the randomness of the following points, we covered a lot of ground last night and for me to try to put it into some meaningful format would be nearly impossible:

-This has been on my mind for a while, but I honestly think that if I only had one thing to strive for in life, it would be balance. I think as we go through life, ultimately what we're trying to find is a happy medium in every aspect of our lives - balance within relationships and time/energy for yourself, balance between work and play, balance between striving for more in life and being happy with/working with what you already have, etc. A reason why I believe the search for balance is important and actually works is that it applies to everyone, yet at the same time the right "balance" for one person is completely different from the next. From now on I don't think I'm necessarily going to go after what I perceive is "happiness" or "success" because I believe as long as I have that right balance in my life, all of those things should just fall into place somehow. This means trying to view the decisions in my life not in just black or white, but rather try to see the spectrum that lies between. I'm really hoping this makes sense.

-Everyone in our discussion last night pretty much identified themselves as Catholic, but all of our views on religion could not be any more different. Somewhat going along the lines of trying to find balance in my life, I often find myself in an inner conflict between the rules and traditions I was brought up with in the church and my views on religion and the world that I've garnered mostly in my college years. Then sometimes I think no matter what, religion serves its purpose for me regardless of what I believe - in the big picture, the minor discrepancies between my beliefs and what Catholicism says I "should" believe in don't really matter. My religion has still taught me to be a forgiving person, has given me a basis for my moral ground, and maybe most surprisingly, has reiterated the most that I'm human, I make mistakes and that it's okay. That's why I don't understand how people can be so close minded and judgmental of a person just because of their religious views, or even lack of them. Whatever works for you, you know?

-As for the people in our generation, I think a large part of why we're seen as indifferent to important issues in the world or even seen as just plain stupid is that we really haven't had to experience hardships like those before us; we haven't had to endure civil rights movements, serve in world wars, suffer great depressions, etc. In one way, that's a great thing because I'm sure our grandparents and ancestors did what they had to do so that our lives wouldn't be as difficult as theirs. But at the same time, I just wish it didn't take a global crisis or something to personally affect our lives before we realize how good we really have it. If there was something our generation is lacking in, I would say compassion. Too many people are seriously invested in BS nowadays, I wouldn't have such a big problem with it as long as, at the same time, they could open their eyes and just acknowledge the hardships that people from other parts of the world go through everyday. It's so easy to complain about how your parents haven't bought you the latest gadgets when you don't think about the single mothers in war torn countries struggling to put food on the table *sigh*

Insomniac

Last week I had 4 nights where I only had 3-4 hours of sleep and since then, I haven't been able to sneak in any naps or needed rest. Surprisingly, I haven't felt that sleepy in the mornings but rather I've woken up with a headache that usually goes away in 2 hours. I don't even stay up for the best reasons. It's not like I'm more productive or attempting to get more work done - it's more like wine/cheese nights, Cranium, prediction games, riddles, and good talks. Part of it also probably has to do with my new discovery of Vietnamese coffee (thanks a lot Lance). On this rate, getting everything that I need done this week is going to be quite the task. Especially since I haven't gotten into the rhythm of studying this quarter yet.

I don't know why I always put it off, you think I'd learn to improve from past quarters & start early, but it always ends up being the same thing; putting off everything until week 2, then trying to catch my ass up by isolating myself. Like my grandma tells me "Experience is the best lesson but also the most expensive one".

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm a major complainer on here. Most of my entries are either rants or just going off on things. That's probably another thing that I want to work on. I apologize in advance if I come off as a hater in upcoming posts, I'll make more of an effort to be more of an optimist. Or just be better about picking and choosing what to rag about (like the Charger loss and upcoming Superbowl :/). I just need to work on balance as a whole.

Right now would be a good start. Time for bed, work 9-5 in the morning.

P.S. Would people still be down for another Valentine's thing this year? I'm going to start thinking about that soon.