"Hey, so when are you & Raf finally going to...

...you know."

I get that a lot. Especially now that a few of my friends my age are engaged or really starting to get serious with their significant other. Why am I getting bombarded with all these marriage questions already? In all honesty, I find it really absurd.

A few days ago, a friend of mine posted an article presenting a case against marriage from Newsweek's "Marriage Reconsidered". Without even getting to the article, I think it's pretty telling about folks in our generation that whenever I mention not buying into the idea of marriage, I personally get a lot of "I was just talking about this same exact thing to my friend the other day" or something along those lines. I felt that the article struck a nerve with me because it is relevant & something that's being talked about. And if I need to explain myself one more time when someone tells me "why not get married now?" I might need to smack someone.

In regards to marriage, I just don't think humans are meant to be monogamous. Not saying it can't be done though. Despite how I feel about marriage at the moment, I haven't lost faith in love. But with that being said, I don't feel like love is enough. By itself, I don't think it conquers all either.

/wompwomp

//this post feels unfinished, might add more later

Sometimes

I can't help but wonder if I'd be as strong as I claim to be if this relationship were to end right here, right now. Would I be able to take the advice that I so willingly dish out to others? To be honest I doubt my credibility when it comes to dating and all that relevant shit because I don't know what it feels like to be alone, to not have that safety cushion of knowing the voice on the other side of the line will always answer. In a weird way I almost feel disadvantaged because I've never been forced to toughen my skin after a really bad heartbreak or being fucked over. It'd be naïve of me to think that I will never experience moments like that, I mean the ones that shake you to the core, so for me the longer I wait for the inevitable, the more I'm afraid of it & the accompanying hurt. I'm not saying I'm waiting for a breakup, just something. I'm not sure what.

I like to think of myself as an independent person, a woman fully capable of making her own. But I'd be lying to myself if I said my relationship hasn't had an effect on almost every decision I've made since December 19, 2002. My decisions weren't always in favor of it, but I can at least say the consideration of it has always been there.

I'm not really sure why I even bother with hypotheticals. We're not in some weird funk. Or fighting right now. As a matter of fact, it's great. Awesome. Whenever people ask me how we're doing, I always go with my default answer: "Oh you know, same ol' stuff". Unless you and I engage on some intense one-on-one conversation, I'm not going to tell you how he and I are really doing because privacy is important to me. But I will share one thing with you guys - when things are going well, when you feel that love is operating at its fullest potential...it's just indescribable. It's no second-guessing, euphoric, feel it to the tips of your toes good. Might as well throw in some unicorns and rainbows while I'm at it lol. But really though, in love is where I find strength, inspiration & happiness. And sometimes I just don't want to think about what would become of me if it were to be stripped away.

"40 Things Every Woman Must Know About Men, Love, Sex and Relationships"

I'm not really someone to search for relationship/dating advice (especially on teh interwebs, that's what friends are for), but I do like to read advice columns for fun, even stupid stuff like Cosmo & their "tips" that they recycle.

Seriously though, "your va-jay-jay"?

Sometimes I'll even give my own take on these matters. But recently, I stumbled across an article that I thought had a good amount of truth to it, although there were a few points I had to question myself. I'm only going to post up a few that caught my eye but here's the entire article if you feel compelled to read on.

Most women learn about men, love, sex and relationships the hard way. They walk down the highly traveled, worn out path of emotional scars, broken hearts, abuse, confusion, anger and sleepless nights. When it comes to learning the hard way, you can get to know a great deal about men, love, sex and relationships, but most women who have traveled that path will tell you, “The price is too high and the consequences and lingering effects are way to painful!” Smart women understand this irrefutable truth.

1. There are two types of males: Dishonorable males and honorable men. Don’t date or marry until you know how to tell the difference between the two! The woman in the mirror will graciously thank you.

3. You are not a car; if you meet a man who wants to test drive your physical body, emotions and feelings, point him to a car dealership, bid him adieu and don’t look back!

8. Women who hold grudges, seek vengeance, cling to bitterness and are unwilling to forgive, unwittingly break their own hearts!

12. Self-love: if you don’t have it, pull yourself off the market. Make no mistake about it, if you don’t love yourself, NO MAN can ever love you… no matter how great a man he is.

17. You are not a man! Therefore, you will never be: a role model for men, a father figure, a man’s mentor or a man’s coach. If a man has lacked proper male leadership in his life, kindly send him on his way. Know for a certainty; he is not prepared for the responsibilities that come with love, sex, relationship and marriage.

19. Don’t ever delude yourself! Your beauty, fine body, sexual prowess, cooking skills, femininity and vibrant personality will never be enough to change a man, NEVER!

21. Angry, bitter, hostile, combative, unforgiving single women, become: angry, bitter, hostile and combative, unforgiving wives.

24. When a man is trying to find himself, kindly bid him adieu… PERMANENTLY! He can find you, but can’t find himself? He shouldn’t be looking for love… he should be searching for the map to Mastering Manhood!

29. All men ARE NOT dogs! Don’t believe, repeat or perpetuate that rampant lie! You will hamper your ability to see and discern the good men who cross your path!

32. Never allow emotionally embittered women to influence you concerning the male gender. If you do, their hatred and unforgiveness will become yours. Soon you will find yourself suspicious, indignant and angry at all men.

40. Nothing is more beautiful, captivating, attractive and sensual than a woman with a gentle and peaceable spirit!

P.S. There is a male version of the article as well, and I found it interesting how much more succinct and to-the-point the advice was. Figures.

"What We Talk About When We Talk About Love"

"You guys have been together eighteen months and you love each other. It shows all over you. You glow with it. But you both loved other people before you met each other. You've both been married before, just like us. And you probably loved other people before that too, even. Terri and I have been together five years, been married for four. And the terrible thing, the terrible thing is, but the good thing too, the saving grace, you might say, is that if something happened to one of us - excuse me for saying this - but if something happened to one of us tomorrow I think the other one, would grieve for a while, you know, but then the surviving party would go out and love again, have someone else soon enough. All this, all of this love we're talking about, it would just be a memory. Maybe not even a memory. Am I wrong? Am I way off base? Because I want you to set me straight if you think I'm wrong. I want to know. I mean, I don't know anything, and I'm the first one to admit it."

If you ever get the chance, I recommend checking out this short story by Raymond Carver. I like his work in general, and this was a pretty interesting read about love and relationships. Just wanted to share this excerpt that resonated with me.

Joyride

Trying to get to and from San Diego in such a hurry right after work lately almost made me forget how much I love driving at night so much more. Besides the obvious clearer roadways and avoidance of rush hour stress, night driving to and from San Diego and Irvine just puts me in this certain vibe. The silence on the road allows me for that hour and fifteen minutes to think more clearly about things, along with some KyXy 96.5 in the background - I really can't get myself to listen to anything else during this time. It's also the only time I will belt to the top of my lungs because no one can hear me, and the fact that I can pretty much sing the chorus of every song that comes on - REO Speedwagon, James Ingram, Toto - all the soft rock staples, try me.


On the most recent trip down to SD, I already had that mindset that summer is pretty much over. Although I don't go back to school until the end of the month, everyone else is back to the books. I don't even have anything going on after the Vegas trip this weekend (whoo!) except work, so Sin City seals the deal for me. I'll probably have a more thorough end of summer review in the future but I just wanted to touch on some views of mine that have been steadfast since the beginning of the summer.

Like I mentioned in Lessons Learned, I adopted a more realistic and "It is what it is" perspective towards life at the summer's start. And well, it's the end of the summer and not much has changed. I worked almost everyday since the end of finals and while I wish I could be wallowing in cash right now, this time my parents put more responsibility on me and I had shit to pay for, along with setting goals to save up money for certain things - Raf's Birthday, Vegas trip, etc. Gas, groceries, partial rent, car payments, books for school, and all the everyday essentials add up quicker than you think. Also, my laptop crashed a couple weeks ago, and although that was a bummer, I was super excited to finally get a new laptop - until I realized I would be paying for all of it. A very different story from last summer, when I spent my money about 20 minutes after clocking out every other day. Thank God I'm not working retail anymore.

My new perspective on things also affected the way I handled relationships. For me, it was very easy before to be naive about wants and needs - a very "all you need is love" kinda thing. But I realized it's a lot easier on paper than it is in practice. Sure I didn't want to admit that things like money and job quality and million other issues mattered to me in the end, but when these things come at you and force you to make decisions you needn't had to do before, it can be a very big wake up call. I've come to the conclusion that maybe a relationship really can't survive on love alone, and that mindset was something hard for me to let go. Maybe money and job quality aren't the best examples, but can a real, satisfying, loving relationship survive without faith? Support from your family and friends? Tolerance of each other's differences? I guess in the end even almighty love couldn't escape my theory about everything needing to be in balance.

This summer was full of reality checks, and I think it was what I needed. But summer isn't totally over yet, and what I reallllly need is a real vacation. Vegas post when I return!!

Soulmates, shmoulmates

The weekend before finals I was lucky enough to witness Will & Cynthia Adan tie the knot in a beautiful wedding ceremony. After about 7 years of being together, they finally got married, and anyone that knows Will & Cynch definitely sees them as one of those couples that gives hope that true love really does exist in this world. Again, congrats to the newlyweds and I wish only the best of luck in the future!

I wanted to start this blog this way because we can all relate when I say there are those couples we look at and automatically think "that's what soulmates are". Although I'm not denying the fact that people may end up with their "soulmate" in the end, I really hate the idea of how your supposed to meet your soulmate and determine whether they are or not in fixed period of time - in all honesty, I think it's when people get into relationships and have that mentality that problems start to arise real fast.

A couple weeks ago at work I was listening to this radio segment about a woman who is married but felt that she had met her soulmate in one of her previous relationships. Basically she was saying that she felt terrible that she let her soulmate go, and by marrying her husband, she was only "settling for less". She was contemplating whether to leave her husband or not so she could be reunited with her former love. What the hell woman. Why do people feel the need to put these labels on someone, it (unnecessarily) makes things more complicated. If this woman didn't think in this "we're meant to be" mentality, she wouldn't have even put herself in this situation. She just needs to get that idea out of her head and maybe spend some time putting effort into her marriage? I don't know, that idea is just too out there for some people I guess. This woman also wasn't ready for marriage in my opinion, but that marriage rant would require another post...

That being said, I still believe in soulmates. The thing is, I don't believe that you meet this person and predetermine "soulmate or not soulmate" in a certain amount of time, even a couple years seems too short to me. To me someone has to become your soulmate, and I think that's something that people always tend to forget; relationships aren't just a given, you have to actually put some hard work and effort into it - the real ones aren't made of the fluffy bullshit they feed you in the movies. I don't even think someone deserves to be called your soulmate until you've been to hell and back with this person and in the end, they are still there and love you the way you are, flaws and all.

Another thing is that I don't think people should have intentions of finding Mr./Mrs. Right when they are only beginning to talk to someone. People have such high expectations of what the right person should be, of course everyone they meet is going to fall short. It's totally fine to talk to someone and enjoy their company just for the hell of it. Remember, it is what it is.

/end soulmate&relationship wank

P.S. Sometimes I'm not sure whether being in a long relationship either makes me really knowledgeable about this stuff or completely clueless. I've experienced so many aspects of relationships with Raf , but when it comes to the actual dating scene I'm like a fish out of water...

No air-uh air-uh

I swear this week is the slowest ever at work and I must have heard that song about 7 times, no joke. That and "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis ,which I can't stand anymore and never really liked in the first place. At least with "No Air" I can listen to the sweetness of my boy Chris Brown. I've said some funny things about CB (my roommates think so at least) but I don't feel like disclosing them right now to save myself the embarrassment.

Since the last time I blogged I really have nothing to talk about. No new discoveries, life-changing epiphanies, just blah. Maybe if I had some actual drama in my life I could tell cool stories about things like how my best friend stabbed me in the back, or how I went out of my way just to spite an ex, exciting stuff like that.

I think a part of it is also how I refrain from going in depth about specific issues i.e. some relationship stuff or sex because I don't have the luxury of anonymity in these cases. I tend to talk about that stuff in general because if I say something like "Don't you fcking hate it when your boyfriend _______", everyone would just think "Damn Raf what did you do" haha. Who knows, maybe I do mean it, maybe I don't, but I just avoid that situation in general cuz people be too assuming nowadays. Sometimes it's hard to discern what people are really trying to say when it's on paper, nawmean.

Anyways, one thing I do look forward to is Culture Clash at House of Blues tomorrow, it feels like it's been forever since I've gone to an event like this or anything remotely close to the club scene. I know a lot of SD people that I haven't seen in a while are going, so it'll be good to see some familiar faces up here. Also, I'll probably have more to talk about after making some observations of club rats & manwhores in their natural setting tomorrow, so that means more posts along the lines of "'Bout to roll up in this club" or the Ladies Night part of "What a Week" .

Exciting stuff coming up hopefully, time to study...

Wifey Skills According to Him

I knew I was going to have some strong sentiments when I came across another article on Yahoo that caught my eye - "What Keeps a Man Crazy in Love". I thought hmmm what other things can people come up with for women to do to please their man... and the genuises at Redbook provided many entertaining but WTF? ways (at least I think) for a woman to blow her man away with her "wonderfulness". But the weird thing is I read the article as if some of my own friends came up with the list because these are things they would totally come up with. Very. Typical. Guy. Things. Such as:

1. Play poker. ->Or any type of video game really would fit in this category as well.
Why: So you can socialize his way for a change.

2. Give the perfect backrub.
Why: Because there's more than one way to make a guy moan in complete and utter satisfaction.

3. Tie his tie for him.
Why: Because it's such a sexy, retro, little-wifey move. ->I would totally fail at this one. And I really hate the word wifey for some reason.

4. Make a mean steak.
Why: That hulking slab o'beef appeals to his most manly side.

5. Wake him up in the morning.
Why: So he'll start his day with a smile - at the very least. ->This one is kinda cute I'll admit.

6. Give him a barbershop shave. ->Like Raf would ever let me do this.
Why: He'll get a sexy little thrill from letting you wield all the power while he submits to your capable hands.

7. Strip. ->No waaaaay, really?
Why: Because he really - please, baby, please - wants you to.

8. Have a conversation with his boss.
Why: Because he or she is the adult who, after you, matters most in your husband's daily life. So you want to play it just right.

9. Throw him a super surprise party
Why: Because he'll never forget you made him feel so special.

10. Leave him a sexy voicemail at work. ->This one is just LOLtastic
Why: So he'll have a really compelling reason to get home on time.

11. Quote at least three lines from "The Godfather".
Why: Guys believe the Corleones know what it is to be a man. Yours just wants to know you get it. Capisce?

12. Make heart-melting chocolate-chip cookies.
Why: Because they're the essence of wholesome, and he knows you're not. A potent combination.

13. Kick his style up a notch. ->Now this one I could definitely do.
Why: Initially, for your own pleasure. But then the compliments will start rolling in, and he'll seek out your impeccable advice.

Now some of these I can understand. But I wish they came up with more original ideas. Make a mean steak? Poker? Strip? Thanks Redbook for the enlightenment. Now here's a list of my own of a couple things guys should do to keep her glued to you! I mean this in all seriousness!!

1. Go shopping with her. So you can socialize her way with her girlfriends for a change. And when you go, don't act like you're being dragged along, act happy alright.

2. Give the perfect backrub. For the same reasons as guys obviously.

3. Clean the damn kitchen. I think I would be in perpetual happy mode if I woke up and came home to a clean kitchen everyday. Apparently one of my roommates hates that I clean it so often and claims he/she would cook more if I wasn't so uptight, but I won't name any names because it would be too obvious (it's the sarcastic/bald one).

4. Make her breakfast once in a while. How many guys actually wake up early enough to sit down and eat breakfast, let alone take the time and energy to make it for their woman? It would be a very nice surprise in the morning to make her feel appreciated.

5. Play with her hair. Just because it feels nice.

6. Strip. No double standards here.

7. Plan a spontaneous day/night out. I've noticed that girls are always the ones in the relationship wanting to go out and do something new while the guys are usually just "whatever" about it. It would be a very nice and surprising change for the guys to take some initiative to plan for once.

8. If you know it's going to piss her off, just don't say it. I'm not talking about when you're already in the heat of the argument and already running your mouths off to each other. This applies to guys in general, not just 2 people in a relationship. I'm talking about, you know, common sense stuff. Like not saying "I'll fcking kill you" or "Maybe you're pregnant", which I have both gotten within the past 2 weeks...fcker.

9. Be punctual. Which means no running on Filipino time. There's a problem if a guy takes longer to get ready than his girl.

10. Quote at least three lines from movies such as: The Notebook. Pretty Woman. Terms of Endearment. The Princess Bride. Clueless. Mean Girls. I don't even know if I can quote three lines from each of these movies, but it would sure be impressive if a guy could. It would show that he is down for the chick flick.

11. Put on a suit. Gone are the days when men were dressed with sexy, cool sophistication on the daily. Women like their men dressed sharp once in while. And there's definitely something about a guy in a suit.

To flirt or not to flirt

Usually, the myriad of featured relationship or dating articles that appear across the top of Yahoo! or MSN aren't intriguing enough for me to move my hand even an inch and click on the link. Either that or I know that I can't possibly gain anything from reading them except some slight sense of confusion. Take for example "Seduction Dos & Don'ts" from Carmen Electra. Or "Dating a 'Crazy Cat Lady' ". Better yet "Good Man. Bad Shoes". I think I've made my point. But recently I came across this article that actually sparked a little bit of interest for me -

Why Flirting Can Help Your Relationship.

Before I go off on my usual rant, to be fair here are a couple reasons why the author believes this to be true:

Flirting Gives You Confidence
What flirting allows you to do is feel like you're impressing another person and being attractive to another person - without the baggage, stigma, and pressures of the next step. Bringing that sexual and romantic confidence back to your relationship helps you - and strengthens the relationship across the board.

Flirting Keeps You Sharp
Every once in a while, flirting can reinforce that primitive need of feeling valued. And that little innocent dialogue with some stranger in a bookstore may be all the kick-start you need to lose a little weight or change up your hair or whatever it is that you want to do to make yourself feel better about yourself. Which has benefits for everyone involved.

Flirting Lets You Build Up Sexual Energy
Some shrinks say it's OK to fantasize about anyone you want and build up a head of steam - as long as you, well, go ahead then and release that pent up energy with your partner.

Flirting Reminds You How Good You Have It
The fun of flirting is that there are no strings attached. Just some good ole banter with jokes, laughs, and some well-timed sexual innuendo. Fun at first. But when you think of the long process that comes after, it makes you realize that what you've got at home is exactly what you want.

The most probable reason why I felt compelled to read this story was because my first instincts were "OH HELL NO". In all honesty, who gives their significant partner a free flirting pass? I sure as hell don't know anyone. I mean I understand flirting when it just sorta just happens because you're being nice to someone and whatever; I'm taking about the cases where it's totally unintended. But I can't grasp the idea of purposely going out and flirting with people so that you feel better...about your relationship? Can anyone try to convince me otherwise?

The author does have some validity in his points, but overall I sense a recipe for disaster. Someone who is used to flirting without feeling guilty at all will be less likely to see the repercussions from doing this habitually. Each time it happens it's another potential disaster in the making. Why intentionally open your relationship to something that could break it apart? Friendly small talk - we all know how it starts...

Even if you trust your partner 100% and there's no way that they would ever do anything to jeopardize things, there's always the person on the other end. You may have no intention of furthering the conversation into anything more than some laughs and casual chit chat, but the other person doesn't know that. Sending mixed signals in any situation to any person almost always complicates things more than they need to be.

I'm not trying to say flirting is evil or you should never do it, but I wouldn't go so far as to promote it. I think if you feel the need to flirt with other people, maybe it's your relationship that needs some work.

Agree? Think I'm uptight? Those thoughts and others are welcome for comments :]